This Floating Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! These Are the Television Letdowns of the Year.
Looking back, we consider the television landscape of the past year, a handful of series emerge not for their excellence, but for their notable failures. Ranging from cringe-inducing sequels to bafflingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that had us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive spin-off? Burdened with woeful scripts, cringe-inducing arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show fought to justify its existence. For a moment, as the third season began, it seemed as if it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner declared this would be the final series. It ended on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was just way too on-the-nose. Yet, fans undeniably had a hoot picking apart every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the least of this drama's problems. The recipient of a very rare zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin enumerating the flaws. The laughably leaden writing? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and materialism? The almost wilful procession of cliches? Acting so poor they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this series again. However, a second season has been ordered, so we’re probably going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the restraining orders, domestic violence claims and fatherly failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d really have gleaned it from this three-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive hedonism while struggling to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any pity this series might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charming but flippant narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Of course we knew it was preposterous from the get-go: a thriller about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Dodgy characters meeting in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many seem a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to accommodate unconvincing accents. But there were plenty of other problems. Mainly that it was just really dull; a dispute over drug-selling territory between various London picaresques which seemed a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the degree to which she grinds the gears of certain ostentatiously angry commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into twee lifestyle as deliberate provocations. But then you view them and are forced to admit that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine animated; a poster for evening drinks with delusions of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark sayings and pointless crafting “hacks” you’ll forget instantly. All underpinned by immense, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-worth. But for some reason, this documentary series chose not to explore them. Rather, the viewing was like reading a marketing catalogue. She obviously has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any favours with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star playing dead and a well-known personality managing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As players competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too confusing to detail what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was straining desperately to emulate something way beyond it.
Too Much
How do you succeed a show that captured a generation? The expectation was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of famous cameos involved felt icky.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd inclusion of gifted emerging comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The material needed to be treated with care. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lumbering from strangely breezy, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A complete mess? Absolutely.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a discovery that could ruin society? No! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality renowned for sexual exploits as she undertook her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was way more interrogation of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who appeared to haul her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing shots and zero interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.
